I’m tired. Just plain tired. Worn out. Exhausted. Spent.
My eyes feel as though they’re in a constant hang over. Squinting yet rarely seeing. Saggy. Muscles stiff from holding their position for too long. My head aches. In various places. For various reasons. The rest of my body feels numb from the pain of aging and stress. So, yes, I feel like you do…tired.
But I’m also tired for another reason. I’m tired of the fight, the struggle, the requirement that the universe has laid upon us that simply states, “Make no fortune easy. Make no task without tears.” Nothing ever goes right for us. Nothing easy, smooth, without a wrinkle or sinkhole the size of Cleveland. For example…
We have taken all the steps, tried on the medications for J and non have prevailed. Our next step is the IVIG infusion. Insurance has denied us. We’ve appealed. I call for an update to find out that insurance has failed to receive our appeal which (by the time I checked) was faxed twice and snail mailed once. I only found this out after tracking down both sides of the insurance fence. I’ve written a supporting letter. I’m sure it will be denied again. We’ll appeal again. Medicaid in its state likely will not pay and we’ll be forced to find $10, 000 when we don’t have $1,000. Or just maybe, at the last minute, something will come through after already creating the effects of more than necessary stress.
But that’s not the only arena. With finances. Our home. Construction. Home improvements. General home chores, signing our kids up for programs, signing up for schools, with teachers with therapists. It just never ends.
I, we are left in a constant state of fight or flight, spiking the reserves of our adrenaline in a moment’s notice, our keen awareness or hyper-vigilance never sent to rest, our minds are so clouded with all the possibilities of all the obstacles we’re facing at one time that we feel forever the prisoner of the circus….every moment of every day.
It has to stop. We need a break. We need a soft, smooth surface in which to float down like a feather only to gently blow in a soft breeze and embraced by a warm sun.
Until that day, I’m just tired.
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